I’m a Florida Drag Queen and I’m Scared

I’m a drag queen performer from Florida. I used to be born in Winter Haven Hospital and lived and studied within the state for 17 years earlier than I lastly received out in 1993. I left as a result of I had the drive and keenness to pursue musical theatre for a dwelling. I did, nevertheless, have an unimaginable schooling and alternatives to excel earlier than leaving. I went to a performing arts highschool, the place I labored with and was mentored by among the finest folks within the musical theatre trade, together with Anne Reinking. I additionally felt comfy with myself and the world that I existed in to return out as homosexual after I was 15 in 1991. However I used to be so able to get out and see the world.

I used to be later accepted to each faculty program I auditioned for, together with colleges in New York, Boston, Florida, and Ohio. I settled on the College of Cincinnati Faculty-Conservatory of Music and its illustrious musical theatre BFA program. 4 years later, I started working in New York. I sustained myself in musical theatre for 17 years. Someplace throughout that point, I found drag. It turned an outlet for me that mixed my skills and schooling, whereas branching into an entire new type of leisure that targeted by myself work and my concepts, as an alternative of these of a theater director. I fell in love with drag and the character I created, Beneva Fruitville. I received my drag title from an precise intersection in Sarasota, Florida. The primary time I heard of it, I believed it might be an ideal drag title. I labored as Beneva for 13 years. I beloved her, and being her taught me love myself.

I used to be on the board of administrators for an LGBTQ+ youth group when Florida’s “Don’t Say Homosexual” invoice was proposed. I used to be working with youth and serving to the group’s programming in varied occasions ceaselessly scheduled. It was a devastating blow the day the laws handed, largely as a result of I really didn’t perceive what all of it meant as a trans lady who carried out as a drag queen. The next points and additional laws continued to obscure and blur strains to the purpose the place I have no idea what it’s I’m allowed to do. I’ve been scheduled for occasions, particularly a e book studying occasion the place I used to be threatened to not attend. I had deliberate to take the gig, however on the morning of the occasion, I had a full-on panic assault and couldn’t cease crying or depart my mattress. I felt horrible for the organizers as a result of I left them in a lurch however I couldn’t, bodily and mentally, deal with leaving my mattress. I misplaced a number of common gigs, largely in eating places. None of them overtly stated it was as a result of they had been scared, however I’m positive they only didn’t need any hassle. All these common gigs had been how I made a dwelling. Feeling unwelcome in Florida, I made a decision to maneuver out however after I misplaced all of my work, I couldn’t afford to try this, and I had nice hassle discovering a job within the skilled world as a trans lady. Because of this, I requested my mom, who’s on a set earnings in Florida, if I might keep together with her. She has been wonderful, however discovering work exterior the leisure trade and being trans in Florida is inconceivable. I’ve supported myself as an entertainer and enterprise proprietor for at the very least 5 years and all of that’s now gone. My nervousness and despair have nearly made me agoraphobic. I sugarcoat the helplessness I really feel with concepts of simply laying low and making an attempt to determine what my subsequent step in life is, however I’m really at a loss for what to do for work and how much life I can count on to reside.

I simply know that staying in Florida will not be an choice. It’s draconian and dystopian right here. I reside in concern. As an activist and advocate for LGBTQ+ youth, I’ve needed to take a step again for my mom’s security and mine. I ended utilizing Fb as a result of I obtained a number of nameless threats and hateful messages. It turned so poisonous and time-consuming making an attempt not solely to clarify that I should exist, reside, and thrive however to additionally dispel misconceptions about my life. It blows my thoughts how a lot misinformation there’s about what being trans truly means and the way Hormone Alternative Remedy (HRT) and hormone blockers have an effect on the physique. Individuals eat fast-food crap and but fear about what a medication that has been by dozens of checks does. It’s largely ignorance, prejudice, and outright hate of the “different.”

I need to work and assist out and combat, however I’m so exhausted and depressed. When your total existence is on the information each day and topic to laws, it makes it extraordinarily uncomfortable to exist on this world. I really feel like I let so many individuals down by my semi-retirement as Beneva, however I don’t know precisely what to do. The factor I’m most happy with doing as Beneva was working with LGBTQ+ youth as a result of if I had alternatives and mentorship in my very own teenagers, it might have saved me from some main issues I had in my 20s with medicine and intercourse. By Beneva, I discovered a love for myself that I didn’t have earlier than. I couldn’t think about that it might assist to heal me. That finally made me need to give this reward to others. By story occasions, flash mobs, family-friendly Delight occasions, LGBTQ+ promenade, and my work with a youth group, I used to be in a position to join and share love and acceptance with a whole bunch of children who might not really feel that they’re allowed to be who they’re.

See Also

Cracking the Code of Artistic Development 

I had a dialog with a buddy throughout one in all my final mentoring periods with LGBTQ+ youth. I started to cry as I knew this may in all probability be my final go to. I instructed her how exhausted I used to be and that I’ve been combating for almost 30 years: starting in faculty with Act Up, later with Broadway Cares/Fairness Fights AIDS, CAN Neighborhood Well being, Suncoast AIDS Theater Undertaking, and most not too long ago ALSO Youth. 

My buddy stated to me so lovingly, “It’s okay so that you can relaxation now, we’ve received this.” However I can’t cease feeling like a failure. I do know in my head that these legal guidelines and legislations are improper and dangerous, however my coronary heart is so damaged and my sense of self is shaken. As an alternative of combating the combat publicly, I’m now combating the combat internally to permit myself to exist. It’s the largest battle I’ve ever fought, and a few days I really feel like I’m shedding.